Peer Review for the 2Syn paper
When you look at your group member’s paper consider these Higher Order Concerns (HOCs)
Thesis or focus:
- Does the paper have a central thesis?
Audience and purpose:
- Does the paper have an appropriate audience in mind? Can you describe them?
- Does the paper have a clear purpose for the paper? What is it intended to do or accomplish?
- Why would someone want to read this paper?
Organization:
- Does the paper progress in an organized, logical way?
- At the end of each paragraph, can you forecast where the paper is headed? If the paper goes in a direction other than the one forecasted by the reader, is there a good reason, or do the paragraphs need to be re-written? Give some suggestions.
Development:
- Are there places in the paper where more details, examples, or specifics are needed?
- Do any paragraphs seem much shorter and in need of more material than others?
Adapted from the Purdue OWL: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/690/01/
Thesis:
ReplyDeleteThe central thesis should be focused on your main concept that is similar between both articles. My thesis is “What is more important money or the game?” My essay will then be organized based off of that thesis statement.
Audience
I feel my audience will be die-hard sports fans or people who are passionate about baseball.
Purpose
My purpose is to elaborate the concept “ how the importance of money has changed throughout baseball history”.
Organization
My paper is very organized and I feel is easy to read and understand. I have transition sentences that allow the reader to easily shift from paragraph to paragraph and this allows the reader to know where the essay is headed.
Development
Each paragraph is filled with detail and elaborates my topic.
In relation to the editorials pointed out in this post I feel my paper stayed on topic and related back to the thesis. I did try and keep with the organizational outline Dr. Archibald provided for us. I could however improve upon the transition between paragraphs. I feel every paper can use more examples, details and specifics. My paragraphs are long enough without including too much useless information. The paper definitely has a purpose and grabs the audience’s attention.
ReplyDeleteMy thesis is "The underlying process of innovation remains the same over time, even as the specific technologies are changing". The audience for my paper is anyone interested in the history of technology in general and the development of the personal computer in particular. The purpose is to present this idea of the process of innovation and support the thesis by analyzing the connection between Jobs and Babbage. I believe my paper is organized, but I don't think the reader could tell what the next paragraph will be from the end of the previous one, so my closing sentences might need to be revised. My paragraphs are uniform in length and level of detail except for the last paragraph, which needs to be expanded.
ReplyDelete@vpsell
ReplyDeleteImproving your transitions is definitely a good idea; it can be hard for the reader to follow if your paragraphs don't segue from one to the next. I usually need to spend some time working on this to get everything right and I plan to do that when I revise my draft. Good transitions can really make a difference in your paper though, so it's worth it.
My thesis is, “In these two documents, there were similarities and differences between them that were obvious, which are the main issues the feminists dealt with, their drive for equality, and the time era they lived in comparison to the women’s rights and their personality”. I felt throughout my paper I followed my thesis and it is organized because of it. Also, I stayed focused on what the main points were in my thesis for my paper. The audience will mostly be women or some men who have an interest because my topic is women’s issues and it is mainly for their concern to gain their appropriate rights. I think women are also more inspired then anyone by what these feminists achieve. I feel the organization of my paper is well done and makes it easier to read. My paper flows well together and still stays on topic and goes to the next topic by transitional sentences that tie everything in. Lastly the development of my paper has many well thought out ideas with supportive information from my documents.
ReplyDelete@Ian Shannon and @vpsell
ReplyDeleteAlong with what you are saying about transitional sentences, another reason they are so important for your paper and for the reader is that they help them navigate your paper. These transitional phrases and words are just what you need to make the connections between sentences and paragraphs. Some good examples of transitional words could be “furthermore” or “in addition to” or “therefore”. Hope these can help make your transitions better.
Before I started to write my paper I decided my central thesis which is Jacob Riss and Sonia Nazario have both published novels that synthesize the idea that in American society immigration is viewed negatively because of the lack understanding and sympathy towards the immigrants. With that thesis I tried to base my whole paper based on that idea keeping in mind what the purpose of my paper which is immigration. I also tried to make my paper flow together. One way that I could improve my paper is by adding more examples from the two documents.
ReplyDeleteIt is good that you stayed organized. I feel that creating a mind map helped organize my ideas and thoughts. It helps the paper stay organized and focus on the topic. In order to be more detailed you should focus mainly on specific things and limit your paragraphs to details. When I wrote my paper I took the concept the importance of money in baseball and really narrowed down my thoughts.
ReplyDelete@Sammy TestaI think that you have a good idea of where you want your paper to go and how organized it, but is there anything that you think you could improve on your paper. Do you include specific examples from both documents.
ReplyDelete@GabbyBeginning the paper by deciding on central thesis is a great idea! It will most definitely help to keep you on track. By reading pieces of your paper and then reading the thesis and asking yourself if it connects will also help you keep a central focus. I liked how you described a bit about your paper it sounds interesting and made me as a reader want to read more. good job!!
ReplyDeleteI do not feel that my paper has a good enough central thesis yet. I have one but I do not feel it is as good as it should be. However, my new thesis is going to contain the similarities and differences between the two documents, and how the two groups never used violence against the whites. I really feel that I did a good job targeting my audience. I wrote my new paper as if people have already read my previous one. I think someone would want to read this because it really gives a good idea about racial segregation, and how different and similar it was during the two time periods. I think my organized correctly, and at the end of each paragraph I have a sentence to connect it to the new paragraph. All my paragraphs seem pretty much even. However, there are some places that have more detail than others, so I need to add more details to certain paragraphs. All in my entire document seems to be on the right track, but there are some improvements that I need to make.
ReplyDelete@Lauren Sotzin
ReplyDeleteLaurin I think that your thesis is really good. It draws me and makes me want to read your paper. However, I think that your paper needs to be directed to both men and women. They both need to be aware, and sometimes men need to be more aware then females. I agree though that women will take more interest in your paper than men.I think women do take what the other women did as inspiration.
First, my thesis is "How id the opinion of racial violence and inequality change in the United States from the nineteenth century to the twentieth century?" I believe that my thesis is well structured and that my paper always reflects my thesis. Second, my audience needs a little work. I really have to explain who I am making my point to but, I do have a clear purpose because I stated how important it was for people to be informed on the issue of segregation. Someone would want to read my paper because it clearly suggests a purpose and I like I said it really informs people. Thirdly, my paper is well organized starting with the into., then moving on to the summary, the similarities and differences, my idea, and a conclusion. Lastly, I believe my paper is well detailed except for the fact that I need to compare and contrast the documents a bit more.
ReplyDelete@Sammy Testa Sammy I think that you have a really good thesis. Never forget to always reflect back to it and come up with a counter thesis. Also, don't forget to add the audience into your paper because for my paper I actually forgot to do that and I have to go back and fix it. Overall, I feel like your paper is very, very well structured and in good detail with supporting information.
ReplyDeleteMy thesis is to tell the audience about the comparisons between Ida B. Wells and the Freedom Riders. I feel that i nailed my thesis pretty well but some of my paragraphs feel as though I repeated them. I will probably revise a few paragraphs and maybe input a few more similarities into comparing Ida B. Wells and the Freedom Riders and not just what they did but how they did it. I will also switch around a couple of sentences and try to touch it up a bit. But I believe that with a little more work it will make for a excellent paper.
ReplyDelete@Lauren Sotzin
ReplyDeleteYou shouldn't just assume that your audience will be a majority of women. As the old saying goes assume makes an ass out of u and me. It would be a good idea to make your target audience a bit larger to fit in men and children. Also it would help to branch out and add creative ideas into your report to add some variety to what might turn out to be a boring main stream essay.
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ReplyDeleteMy paper has a central thesis but it isn’t in the very beginning of the paper; instead it just jumps into the description and comparison of the new article. I have plans to reorganize the beginning paragraph because my objective is not very clear.
ReplyDeleteIt is organized is in order of comparison between the two article; starting with one and jumping to the other. The paper needs some improvement in organization and flow, so I will be revising and adding transitions. Some specific examples could be used but I do think the paragraphs have a decent amount of material.
@Jenna
ReplyDeleteI think it’s a good that you already know what you need to improve upon. You also seem very confident in you paper. I do however have one suggestion: to make sure your thesis has clearly defined points and your synthesis topic is in question form because it’s easier to compare when in that form.
@Marianna Romejko
ReplyDeleteI don't know how exactly you organized your paragraphs but it sounds like you would like to reorganize them a bit. I just thought I would suggest the way I organized mine that I feel worked pretty well. In each paragraph I would introduce what I was going to talk about and then I would discuss the way that topic was handled in one article, then the other, and then the similarities or differences between the two. I hope this helps!
My thesis brings about the question of how the computer evolved and changed the future of society. I believe it is clear on the point it is trying to get across and shows the main focus of the paper. Currently my audience is very broad. I feel as though I am talking to anybody but I wasn't aware that we needed a specific audience. My paper describes how the computer came to be such an important part in society. People would read this because computers are common in every house but people don't know how it came to be. My paper is organized but after some one or two paragraphs you can't find out where it is going. I have one small paragraph that I feel I need more detail in.
ReplyDeleteBen, I agree and think you nailed your thesis. It gives us a firm grasp of what the paper will be about. Only thing I would add is to make it clear who your audience is. I had to go back and include it as well because I wasn't aware of it. Otherwise I think you have a very good paper.
ReplyDelete@Benjamin Nothstein
I think that my paper stays on topic the whole time and does not go off track. My paper revolves around the thesis that the idea of the serial killer has changed over time. I did not really zone in on a specific audience and that is something that I am going to have to fix on my paper. Also i might need to fix some of my paragraphs so that you understand after each one where I am going with my topic. As it is right now you might get a little lost in some of my transitions and I just need to go back and clean some areas up.
ReplyDelete@Marianna Romejko
ReplyDeleteI think that I have the same problem as Marianna in that the flow of my paper is set up like yours and that is something that I also need to fix. I think it is also good to add more specific details to the paper because those can always help the reader understand what you are talking about.
In my paper I believe that I have a good central thesis stating the main point of my paper and briefly remind the reader of the previous document I read and would further discuss in my report. Something that I feel I would need to revise is how my paper moves in an organized manner. I also may need to make sure that all throughout my paper the reader is able to understand the direction that I’m headed and if not that the report would still be understandable. Finally, I think another way I could revise my paper is to add more details from the new document so that the reader may understand my ideas and points that I make all throughout the paper.
ReplyDeleteAfter looking at my paper, I think I first have to start off with a better thesis. I would like to give my reader a better idea of my paper by creating an interesting thesis. I would like my thesis to be, "Over time people's ways of committing murders and motives have not changed." I think this relates well to my two articles. H.H. Holmes and Ted Bundy were from two different time periods, but had similar motives and similar ways of killing. They both also never felt remorse for any of the crimes they committed. This shows how time does not affect how people think or act in these situations. I think my paper has a clear purpose to inform and educate people on crime and punishment in past events and more present events. I would like to organize my paper and make it flow better. I want to explain my thesis better throughout my paper as well. I think the audience will consist of people who are interested in crime and punishment and would like to know more information about key present and past events. After I make these changes and a few more I think my paper will be more organized and very informative.
ReplyDelete@Rachel
ReplyDeleteI have the same problem in that my paper might be a little difficult to understand sometimes because the transitions arent well written. Also, I think that if you focused on a specific audience it might be easier for certain individuals to thorougly understand your report because of the fact that it was intended for them to read and understand, this might make it more interesting to the reader.
I think I am having the same problem with my paper. I need to incorporate my thesis better into every part of my paper. I think by creating easier transitions from one paragraph to another it will make my paper flow better. I think that you should really focus on a specific audience. This is important in getting your readers interested. I think this is a key part in making your paper appeal to the readers you are focusing on. I would like to know more about your thesis though. Maybe go into greater detail. If you make these changed I think your paper will be great.
ReplyDeleteI believe my thesis statement is clear and concise enough in context with this. The big thing I will need to focus on in revision is giving my paper a more clear, easier to follow progression of ideas. My audience is not quite clear enough either. Having a more specific audience will help my paper to be even more precise and easier to follow, especially if the audience is clearer. Maybe a few of my paragraphs might need revision because they don't seem to lead into the next paragraph. *Might need to cut out a lot to expand my ideas so its closer to 1000 words
ReplyDeleteMy paper states the central thesis of health and crash dieting. A healthy lifestyle versus the crash dieting. I provide examples of how each document has similarities and mostly differences. It is organized as far as ideas. It still needs some more work and some more examples. In the way of the flow it could be smoother and I will take the time to look at each article again and see if there is more information that I can add. More information that can help the understanding of the paper. Maybe finding quotes to help better with the understanding.
ReplyDelete@Benjamin Nothstein I have the same feeling about repeating them. My thesis is precise but my paper reads like it is the same thing just in different words. If you are going to add a few more connections, consider making your current paragraphs flow into the new ones instead of just adding them in there.
ReplyDeleteI think that my 2Syn paper could have had a more strongly worded thesis. However, I feel that my first paragraph does a good job at explaining what the whole paper is focused on and what it will discuss. There are also some paragraphs of my paper that I feel I could go more in depth about. One being the paragraph which talks about media and its affect on today’s society. I want to go further in depth by explaining more on how media was back in Kellogg’s era, rather than only highlighting what media is like in today’s society. It is important to make sure I add this to my paper so that readers can see how the changing media has affected the ways in which people have chosen to diet from generation to generation. One last thing that I think would make my paper flow better is to take out any unnecessary or redundant phrases.
ReplyDelete@dmlongI think that by making your paper more concise it will help the flow of your paper over all. Taking out unnecessary information and words that are redundant is going to be very important in order for your paper to make sense to the reader. Also make sure that your thesis is strong and clear in the beginning of your paper so that the reader will know right from the start what they are going to be reading about.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading this Course Blog post, I see that the peer review is simply taking another look at the paper with the requirements refreshed in mind. Thesis, Audience and Purpose, Organization, and Development are all things that we were to consider in the primary stages of composing this paper. Looking individually at these points during peer review will help refocus the paper towards the ideal constraints. I felt I had a fairly solid, concise thesis. I did consider my audience. As far as my purpose, I feel that writing on racism screams a purpose of persuasion through evidence and attention. I feel that I had a well-organized paper due to the fact that I used an outline as a tool. Lastly, in my development I feel that I could always use more time.
ReplyDelete@Kaila Ober
ReplyDeleteI think that your comment reflects greatly on your intentions to rework your paper. I agree that a well worded, concise thesis can hold a great point of topic. A tip about flowing from one point to the next is a method I use. It is to tie the last sentences of the paragraph into the next topic. This method is also used in creating a speech outline. Another tip for flowing is creating introductions to your points initially, then restating then numerically as you move through your paper.
For my thesis I believe that I have a good idea of what I want it to be. However I feel that I need to word it better and simplify it for the reader. My main purpose of my paper is to further analyze reasons behind why so many people through today and the past fear immigrants. Also I can mention what steps I believe should be taken to successfully address the U.S.'s immigration problem while also benefiting the immigrants. I feel that my paper is well organized except for the idea that I need to do a better job of staying in line with my thesis. My audience should be those who are curious about learning more about the immigrants' side of the story in today's news with all the hot debate on policies of immigrants coming into the U.S.
ReplyDelete@Gabby
ReplyDeleteOne thing that I noticed when comparing Riis's and Nazario's work is that during their certain era the public view on immigrants were completely different, nearly opposite. Even though that is my opinion I just want to make sure that even if you find many contrasting points between the documents there is still much that you can take away. Basically, the similarities are just as important as the contrasts.
The thesis for my paper is, “Dr. Lyte and Dr. Hugh Herr were two very inspirational speakers with a similar goal in mind: to motivate their audience.” Since the place and the occasion for both speeches were the same (Millersville University Commencement), the purpose is the same too. Despite an one hundred and fifteen year span between the documents, the situation was the same too. Both Lyte and Herr delivered their messages during times of economic upheaval (the Depression of 1896 and the economic crisis of 2011). Therefore, the graduating class of those respective years wanted to hear words of hope and encouragement before they went their separate ways.
ReplyDelete@ WFisher
ReplyDeleteObviously I haven’t read your documents about immigration. But I think your thesis statement should give your theory on how to end alien aggressions. By keeping the testimonies from the old document and comparing it to the new document, you could probably see the evolution this fear of immigrants, and reason how learning from our history can improve our relations with future immigrants.
The central idea or thesis of my paper is how to motivate college students graduating. The two documents I use are the commencement addresses by E.O. Lyte and Hugh Herr. They both have a central idea of motivating the graduates by some means, and I am making a connection idea between their two ideas. The audience I am directing it towards is to whoever wanting to encourage or motivate people to go into the real world with an attitude to make a difference. For the most part, my paper flows pretty well. I feel I went from one paragraph to the next rather smoothly. I definitely should add detail. Adding detail will help my paper not feel so raw and simple when being read.
ReplyDelete@WFisher
ReplyDeleteBeing simple is good Westin, but try not to simplify it too much. If you simplify it too much, you might have trouble with the paper being long enough. Also, I am working with this on my paper too. I feel mine is to simple. If it's too simple, my connecting idea might not be understood because of lack of description. Simple and to the point is good, but simple and not understood isn't helpful.
The thesis for my paper is, “Commercialism is a major complication for the goals sought for by public activists in the desire to save natural resources, the health of the planet, and the people involved, and will be a constant battle because of human natures desire for survival, money, and a life of fulfillment.” I believe that my thesis is fairly sound in regards to the topics I covered in my paper. I think the paper would be geared toward someone who is interested in the topic of ecology but also in the greater idea of commercialism that I found as the main unifying factor in the two documents that I read. I think that some of my paragraphs may be slightly long and that there are several that don't have the strongest transition sentence. So as I continue to revise my paper I plan on just taking into consideration the questions asked here and making sure that each of them have been met.
ReplyDeleteThe central idea of my paper is human greed. The two documents I have read are the Wrecking of the Nation and Betting on the Blindside. The pattern I have noticed that is reoccuring across the documents is greed. The economic system is based off of who can get the bigger piece of the economic "pie" meaning that corporations want to get the most they can for themselves and it would not matter how the other business would be doing. My paper is written pretty clearly with these main points, but I'm having trouble comparing the old document to the new one. Also any suggestions of how you view greed in our present day Economy.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete@Gabby
ReplyDeleteThe idea of keeping your focus on why we people do not sympathize with immigrants fits very well. one thing you might try if it works is maybe talking about what someone like us would do if we were in a situation like some of those people are in
I feel as though my paper has everything that is talked about in this document. I have a central thesis around my thoughts on both articles and baseball during both eras. I tried to reach an audience who had some thoughts on baseball or at least understood what I was talking about. The organization of my paper is started off by a summary of the newer document with the old document ideas kept in mind and then from there I compare the two and their ideas and talk about if anything has changed between the two time periods
ReplyDeleteAfter reading this post I think my paper had a central thesis. It was that there are in fact similarities between my two documents. I think I was pretty organized, besides the fact I did not have too many examples to show. I tried to reach an audience that knows about cartooning, and why the characters are portrayed a certain way. I summarize both documents, and go into depth about my examples I provided. I changed around a few sentences and some wording. I added examples and finished my paper with more information then I started.
ReplyDelete@wheeleraj I think I addressed each topic as you said you did. My paper provided each of the summaries and I attempted to reach an specific audience as well.
ReplyDelete